The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016 REDUX

 

The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2016 REDUX

Yeah, we’re really doing this. The reason why, well, when I first started making these lists, I was literally only doing it in a Google Doc and they literally were nothing more than a Spectrum Pulse fantasy (and some of you may notice that some of his vocabulary crept into my writing style because of this). I’d blatantly cribbed some of his points in my original 2016 lists, and I want to be more authentic. Hell, a lot of you guys have probably already noticed that I’m not doing nearly as many best and worst lists as I used to and am starting to experiment a little, just because I want to do something that feels more meaningful to me. And I’ll be blunt, only doing best and worst lists of various years became boring really quickly. This doesn’t mean I’ll stop doing them altogether, just expect there to be way less than there used to be. And in the spirit of being authentic, I’ll be redoing some of my very first lists, and this time, whenever I knowingly am cribbing a point from somewhere I’ll cite it. I'm starting with 2016, then will do 2014 and 2011, then 2020 and 2021 and MAYBE if I’m up to doing it, 2015 or 2019 will also come. Anyways, how was my full relisten to the 2016 year-end Hot 100? Well, a lot of my takes on my original 2016 lists have aged rather poorly. I did intend to try listening to these songs without nostalgia blinding me at first, but then I realized nostalgia is a factor in the consumption of popular music to this day, and there was no use trying to completely exclude nostalgia from my evaluation of a song. And I will point out that my average rating of every song on the year-end actually only went up when relistening to this list. If you’ve read through that list, I still encourage you to read this one, because there are some surprises and curveballs here. 

So in the spirit of being authentic and not a Spectrum Pulse clone, I’m introducing a new change to my list structure: I will from now on talk about at least 7 and at max 10 (dis)honorable mentions, the number I include varying depending on the quality of the year-end list and how many great/bad songs there are. As for my criteria, it’s the same as it was in my 2023 lists: the songs had to debut on the year-end list for 2016, but if a 2015 repeat finished higher on this year-end than in 2015, it’s also eligible. But (now this additional rule will probably confuse you but try to understand me here) if the repeat finished in the top 20, it can be eligible whether or not it’s higher here than in 2015, BUT, if the top 20 is lower, the repeat had to have hit a higher peak OR matched its peak in the previous year this year. Hopefully that makes sense, and let’s kick this off with a few curveballs in our dishonorable mentions!!

DM #1: Shawn Mendes - Treat You Better (YE: #28, PEAK: #6)

Oh gosh...I’ll admit it, I liked this song for years. I recognized that the lyrics were toxic even at the time, but I was willing to let it slide for it at least being melodically good. But, then I relistened to this and realized that this isn’t even all that melodically good!! It’s just a retread of “Stitches” and that only makes me pay attention to the lyrics and Shawn’s horrible delivery on the final line of the chorus - BETTADANNYCAN. You already know how insufferably toxic the lyrics are. Shawn is trying to set himself up as a sensitive guy trying to rescue a girl from a toxic relationship, but the illusion breaks right from the first line - “I won’t lie to you, I know he’s just not right for you”. I’m not gonna talk about the rather pretentious, in hindsight, views on cultural damage of this song that Spectrum Pulse brought up, because that’s honestly not even my issue with this song. It’s just that fucking atrocious delivery across a retread of “Stitches”’s production. Seriously, Shawn’s delivery makes him sound so petulant and whiny here. And then you discover that M’endes reportedly wrote this song about Camila Cabello...and all of a sudden it makes all the sense in the world why that relationship didn't last. Yeah, I think I’m willing to accept that this was a very bad take I had in 2021 and I can now recognize that this song is really rancid. But speaking of songs I used to like...

DM #2: Lukas Graham - 7 Years (YE: #12, PEAK: #2)

Ugh, this was the last cut from my original 2016 best list, but you know what, with one certain song blowing up out of nowhere in 2024 (it’ll likely be on my worst list this year), that made me revisit this song and realize that holy SHIT, this is awful. And my issue with this song isn’t even the ego in the lyrics (though they don’t help), if you write a song about your life, you probably would want to make your life sound as awesome as it possibly could - it could up the bombast. No, the reason I put this song on this list was that atrocious delivery. His attempt to pull a rock voice on that “will I” and him screeching on the final chorus really was the straw that broke the camel’s back for me. Though the lyrics in the first verse are a pile of bullshit - no way you can convince me that at 11 years old Lukas Graham was smoking pot or that his dad told him to go get a wife at that age. This was only spared from the list proper because I like the piano melody too much, this is utterly insufferable otherwise.

DM #3: DNCE - Cake By The Ocean (YE: #18, PEAK: #9)

Yet another song I used to like, this one is even more embarrassing because there was a brief period in 2016 (very brief) where I literally called this my favorite song of all time. But wow, this is an annoyance in every way - Joe Jonas’s shrill falsetto is ear-piercing and he has an energy here that reminds me too much of Robin Thicke’s in “Blurred Lines”, THAT’S A TERRIBLE THING!!!!!!!!! That “I-I-I-I-I” is also incredibly annoying and the random whistles I can hear in the mix just make this sound like a clusterfuck. And then there’s that “You’re fucking delicious” line before the final chorus which literally makes me want to vomit. Yeah, I think this cake expired long ago. Throw it out!!

DM #4: Post Malone - White Iverson (YE: #65, PEAK: #14)

Posty just flat out sounds like garbage here. He sounds so bored here and when he tries to use black slag like “saucin” it just sounds fucking goofy coming from him. The production is the only reason I didn’t put this on the list proper, the vibey synth is actually quite likeable and it compliments the trap percussion decently. But yeah, I sleep. Thank fuck Posty is no longer making...this.

DM #5: gnash f/ Olivia O’Brien - i hate u, i love u (YE: #38, PEAK: #10)

This song could’ve been good or even great, I actually quite like Olivia O’Brien’s hook. But gnash is simply a vacuum of personality, he’s the dictionary definition of lifeless and when combined with the sad piano keys, it makes this an utterly tedious slog to sit through. I don’t love this, I only hate this. Skip this shit!!

DM #6: Charlie Puth f/Selena Gomez - We Don’t Talk Anymore (YE: #50, PEAK: #9)

This is musical wallpaper. This is so insufferably bland and non-endearing in all the ways I found “One Call Away” genuinely adorable. And the higher-pitched synth that starts to kick in during the second half of the song feels like it’s trying its hardest to make this song interesting but it only makes this insufferable. The only function this song serves is to play quietly in the background and drive you clinically insane if you try paying any attention to it. Puth and Gomez have no chemistry here, which is a shame, because in isolation, their parts don’t sound terrible. But the way they perform here makes me convinced that they never even heard of the other person’s name before walking into the studio. It’s not Charlie’s worst single off of Nine Track Mind by any means, but this is still pretty crappy. Screw this, we don’t talk anymore because you made this shitty ass song Charlie.

DM #7: Nick Jonas f/Tove Lo - Close (YE: #66, PEAK: #14)

Yes, that’s 2 duds from the Jonas Brothers before they even reunited!! But “Close” is easily one of the worst, if not the worst, songs from both of these artists. Every single lyric here is painfully overwrought here and Nick Jonas and Tove Lo somehow have less chemistry here than Charlie Puth Selena Gomez did on “We Don’t Talk Anymore”!! Then there is that titular lyric - “Cause space is just a word made up by someone who's afraid to get too.../Close, ooh” - which...no, it really isn’t, you guys. Combine that with this incredibly airtight, unsexy beat, and you get a complete dud. I think separation anxiety is just a term made up by people who are too scared to get far. I can’t believe I’m saying this, but even The Chainsmokers outtalented.

DM #8: Usher f/Young Thug - No Limit (YE: #90, PEAK: #32)

This isn’t the worst song Usher has ever made since off of Coming Home, “A-Town Girl” exists, (seriously that song sounds like ass), but this is still awful. I said when I reviewed Business Is Business that I don’t like Young Thug generally, since he sounds constipated about 99% of the time, but I especially don’t like how jerky and squeaky he sounds on here. Usher also sounds like he would rather be anywhere else. Yeah, there’s a limit on how bad you can be without making my worst list, and this DEFINITELY crosses it. Usher, I know you are capable of way better.

DM #9: Desiigner - Tiimmy Turner (YE: #98, PEAK: #38)

Hey mom, can I listen to Future? We have Future at home. Look, it’s so obvious at this point that Desiigner was a huge Future ripoff, and while a song like “Panda” was quite catchy with a beat that went way harder than it had any right to, “Tiimy Turner” is just a sludgy mess that reminds me of the worst aspects of Rage music with no momentum or anything to flatter Desiigner at all. Yeah, I’m wishing for a burner right now, to burn this shit down.

DM #10: DJ Khaled f/Drake - For Free (YE: #59, PEAK: #13)

Quoting Todd In The Shadows’s retrospective of Paula by Robin Thicke, this is a “wisp of a fart of a nothing of a song”. The production is so nothing, it barely even sounds finished. There’s a bit of promise with the chords, it could theoretically be used in a better beat, but  the chords are like the only thing here outside of the way too loud kick drum with no groove whatsoever. Yeah, this song should be sold for free because it’s absolutely worthless.

Alright that’s a nice start, I bet there were some surprises there, now onto the list proper…

10...This song was one I’ve always had a weird relationship with: I never thought this was very good at all, but even back in 2016, as an 11 year old who was basically being exposed to pop music for the first time, I thought this was at least funny-bad to the point where I started liking the song ironically. But what happens when the so-bad-it’s-good effect wears off and all you’re left with is just “so-bad”?...

10. Adele - Send My Love (To Your New Lover) Meghan Trainor - Me Too (YE: #62, PEAK: #13)

This isn’t Meghan Trainor’s worst song since the embarrassing “Mother” is unfortunately a thing, but wooooooooooooooow, this has aged like a cow shit in its already years old expired milk. Yeah. Let's just start with the obvious: The beat straight up sounds like a trainwreck: The blubbering bass sounds like it took one too many shots at the Black Eyed Peas’ club and is now struggling to walk. And yet, the horrible production puts Meghan’s obnoxious, self-satisfied, smug delivery to the forefront. Every inflection from here just makes you believe that Meghan thinks she’s spewing facts, from that horrible “tohndeebassop” to the “ow”’s to the “vanna”’s! Or that atrocious couplet “My life's a movie, Tom Cruise/So bless me, baby, achoo”. This isn’t the worst version of this song out there since “Damn It Feels Good To Be Me” by Andy Grammer is basically an AJR song with these lyrics, but this is still quite terrible, there’s a reason Meghan didn’t have another hit for 7 years after this song. It probably should’ve stayed that way.

9...So hip hop in 2016 was definitely in its phase where the Vine dance craze was overexposed, but still before the trap sound took over, so this year was very transitional for the genre, which means that we got a LOT of dregs...

9. Yo Gotti f/Nicki Minaj - Down In The DM Drake f/The Throne - Pop Style (YE: #76, PEAK: #16)

This may not be worse-produced than “Me Too”, but at least “Me Too” is a song I could see someone liking ironically, if nothing else! “Pop Style”, though, is just a boring dud all the way down, the eerie synths start off good, but as the song progresses it sounds way more like the inside of an office elevator. Also Drake’s delivery sounds like utter ass here, he drops so many terrible lines here, like “Got so many chains, they call me Chaining Tatum” or “Girl, let me rock, rock, rock, rock, rock your body/Justin Timberlake and then I hit the highway” - I hate “Rock Your Body” and I almost feel for JT here for being forced to have to distance himself from this dreck. Additionally, Drake’s delivery is less creating intensity and more giving the vibe that Drake would rather be anywhere else (quite frankly, if he heard this beat before he started recording the song, I wouldn’t blame him at all).

8...I’ve just come to accept that I may be the only critic/music hobbyist on the planet who is able to separate the art from the artist. So when I say that this song is terrible, it’s 100% on its own merits!!...

8. Pink - Just Like Fire Tory Lanez - Luv (YE: #70, PEAK: #19)

Separating Chris Brown at home, no, sorry, “Tory Lanez” - that’s an odd name, huh - from the shitty person he is, this is still terrible. And I say this as someone who likes “Say It” and really likes “The Color Violet”!! But Tory sounds so much like a Chris Brown wannabe here, in fact, while Chris Brown is arguably a far worse person, he might’ve made this song better!! The “mmmmmmmmmm-aaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhhhhh” drop also sounds like someone shoved Tory into the washing machine and turned it on the rinse cycle and he’s actively drowning. I don’t luv this, I h8 this. Fuck this song.

7...Sometimes there are those songs where everything wrong with it is so surface level that it’s barely even worth discussing, this is one of them...

7. Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa, & Imagine Dragons w/Logic & Ty Dolla $ign f/X Ambassadors - Sucker For Pain Yo Gotti - Down In The DM (YE: #69, PEAK: #13)

Is it even worth my time to explain what’s wrong with this terrible song? Like, you know Yo Gotti is awful as an MC, right? It’s not even funny-bad enough for me to excuse as “just a meme” because Yo Gotti is having as much fun here as a starving stray puppy. The beat also sounds so dated, with that dizzying non-melody. Yeah, this is just an incompetent mess. Nothing should be going down in the DM’s after this song.

6...If you think of the trajectories of the One Direction members after they split, you might realize that Harry Styles is the only one that is still successful today, which makes sense, 1D were arguably more a thing of last generation, but of you want the solo member who may have had the worst luck post-1D, well outside of Liam Payne, I think you gotta look at the first member that went solo, sure he had two top 2 hits but you literally never hear them anymore, and at least for the one that went to #1, it was well-deservedly forgotten!...

6. The Chainsmokers f/Halsey - Closer ZAYN - Pillowtalk (YE: #22, PEAK: #1)

Let’s just start with the obvious, nothing about this song’s production is remotely sexy, it’s just sluggish synths that make the sudden belting from ZAYN in the chorus just that much of a jumpscare. And I legitimately can’t stand ZAYN’s belting here. It's impressive, sure, that he can hit those notes, but then you realize that that’s the only thing it’s coasting on, making the repetition of “bed all day” after the chorus more noticeable and irritating. That’s not to say that vocals alone can’t carry a song, take “Chandelier” by Sia - but you know what, say what you will about “Chandelier”,  that song’s production has bombast and energy and grace that this song severely lacks. Or hell, if you want a classic, take “Take On Me” by a-ha, Morten Harket’s falsetto there was not the only thing in the song you focused on, the synthpop production there struck a perfect balance of leaving Harket’s vocals as the standout element while not making it the only thing you focused on. Yeah, if this is how pillows talk to each other, I think it’s time to say good night.

5...Three songs that are missing this list altogether that made my original list are Sia’s “Cheap Thrills”, Adele’s “Send My Love (To Your New Lover)”, and The Chainsmokers and Halsey’s “Closer”. And look, they were all on my list at the time because I refused to listen to them with fresh ears after all the overplay died down. In fact, I’ll say it, when relistening to this list, I wound up liking “Cheap Thrills” and “Closer” a little! But if you want a song from 2016 that was overplayed to hell and back and I can confidently say has aged like horseshit...

5. D.R.A.M. f/Lil Yachty - Broccoli P!nk - Just Like Fire (YE: #33, PEAK: #10)

It’s pretty safe for me to say that this is by far P!nk’s worst song. At least on terrible shit like “Raise Your Glass”, P!nk was clearly having fun! But on “Just Like Fire”, P!nk sounds super shrill and like she doesn’t care about the song whatsoever. Especially on the atrocious rap bridge, which reminds me of all the reasons why I used to hate Taylor Swift’s “Shake It Off”. Combine that with the gutless and soulless guitars and production, and you get a song where every tiny flaw that I’d likely excuse in other songs just makes my skin crawl, particularly the way she somehow pronounces “clowns” with two syllables! Yeah, this is just like fire in that my rage is lit up like a fire that’s impossible to extinguish when I listen to this. Fuck this trash, leave Ellie Goulding to make fire-centric anthems (on that note, “On My Mind” was one of the last cuts from my dishonorable mentions, just to let y’all know, holy shit, that song has not aged well).

4...So for as much as I touched upon the state of hip hop in 2016 earlier and given how much it took up my original worst of 2016 list, there’s been a pretty noticeable absence of it here. But look, all of the hip hop hits this year, looking back, are more tedious than outright offensive, sheer incompetence isn’t gonna always guarantee a rap song from 2016 will end up so high on this list. But you know what, this song’s incompetence really stood out to me. And the fact that it made the year-end list and allowed this man to escape one-hit-wonder status after the ridiculously incompetent “Coco” from the previous year...

4. O.T. Genasis f/Young Dolph - Cut It (YE: #91, PEAK: #35)

You know what, I think this is worse than “Coco”, at least there, O.T. Genasis was clearly trying to be as silly as possible and it was clearly just a novelty song. But on “Cut It”, the novelty has worn off, and when that happens, all you’re left with in this song is a Dollar Tree Young Thug. But you know what? Even as someone who doesn’t normally like Young Thug, he has a competent flow and more charisma than Occupational Therapist Genasis here without needing to sound like a South Park character. Yeah, this is super incompetent, not unlike...

3...No jokes here, this song was what originally topped my 2016 worst list back in 2021, and I still find it utter trash! But admittedly, it’s not as bad as I remember it being, and even at the time, I was a bit stunned this song topped that original list, but to quote my original 2016 worst list, “even if it is surprising, it’s no less deserving”...

3. Rihanna f/Drake - Work Kevin Gates - Really Really (YE: #92, PEAK: #46)

This song was one of the worst first impressions I’ve ever heard, while Kevin Gates proved that he could have some charisma on songs like “Thinking With My Dick” (which I unironically really like lol), he sounds horrendous on this song. The production feels like it was an afterthought here, with Gates falling off the beat here and said beat trying to go for huge bombast on the hook but it mistakes sounding like a clusterfuck with having intensity. The organs sound incredibly soulless - I’m getting “Take Me Out To The Ball Game” if it had a trap beat - and Gates is literally drowning in the autotune here. More than anything, though, “Really Really” feels like the worst of hip hop in 2016 all balled up into one song; it’s atrociously produced, and painfully low-effort.

2...So disappointment isn’t nearly as much of a factor in my worst lists as it was before (honestly in hindsight I think it was just me trying really hard to be Spectrum Pulse), but in this case, yeah, I can’t help but feel a bit disappointed considering I’m more inclined to defend one of the acts here, but this time, it’s not even the disappointment that makes this song ass in my eyes!...

2. Rihanna - Needed Me Lil Wayne, Wiz Khalifa and Imagine Dragons w/Logic and Ty Dolla $ign f/X Ambassadors - Sucker For Pain (YE: #68, PEAK: #15)

This is a sludgy slog in every way. At least “Heathens” by Twenty One Pilots (a FAR better song, stay tuned for my best list redux) had energy and momentum. But on “Sucker For Pain”, every act here is giving a very subpar performance at best, to be charitable, performance. Lil Wayne’s delivery doesn’t have any fun or even intensity here, he just sounds like a frog that got kicked in the balls. Wiz Khalifa also cannot remotely sell the intensity. Then Logic, he’s just doing a stupid, stale lyrical miracle shtick that I got tired of after I stopped being obsessed with “Astronaut In The Ocean” in 2021. Ty Dolla $ign may give the best performance here, but even he is just a mediocre rapper who I feel he can’t do anything on this song that someone else like Post Malone can’t do better. And then there are X Ambassadors, who might as well be Imagine More Dragons here!! On that note, Dan Reynolds gives one of his career worst performances here, where his voice is less good or engaging brooding like this song needs, and more like he’s trying to be an edgy teenager on Tumblr. Skip this garbage, give me a Tylenol instead of this dreck. Bleh. So what’s worse?

1...So the song I’ve chosen to top my worst list redo isn’t one that caused societal harm, or even the song with the least good in it, no, this is a song that topped this list single-handedly from one horrible songwriting choice. Fuck Chris Brown....

1. Kevin Gates - Really Really Chris Brown - Back To Sleep (YE: #89, PEAK: #20)

Let me start off by saying that sonically, the song isn’t bad at all, but no, the reason this song topped this list is because of Chris Brown singing the titular lyric. No one asked for anyone, especially the repugnant turd that is fucking Chris Brown to sing “fuck you back to sleep girl” so unlikeably. But yeah, “Back To Sleep” by Chris Brown, easily the worst hit song of 2016. Other than that, I guess obligatory “fuck Chris Brown” statement goes here. This man really should not have a career.

But that’s my first list redo, I’ll be working on the best list redo for this year!! We’ll see when that comes out, but for now I’ll see you next time to gather round the fireplace for discussing Fire’s Flaming Hot Takes! (I know, kinda a clunky signoff, but I want a signoff so desperately T-T) If you have a better signoff, please suggest one in the comments below.

(not linking my Instagram here anymore, I no longer see the point in having it lol)

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