The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009

 

The Top 10 Worst Hit Songs of 2009

In the following article, I take a look at not only the most overhated year, but the best year of the 2000s for the Hot 100 and take a look at some of the songs that are probably why people don’t like this year that much.

Hey guys, welcome back to Fire’s Flaming Hot Takes for another year-end list. Today, we’re examining the top 10 worst hit songs of 2009!

So 2009 is a year that is quite strong all things considered, we were now basically in the deep end of the club boom and I already explained in my lists for 2008 why that was. But 2009 also had adult contemporary and country having really prominent showings, now whether they were all of good quality is up to debate, but I bring this up because it showed a bit of a sharp divide between the people partying along with the club music and the people trying to pretend the party wasn’t happening. I’ve seen many people call this one of the all-time worst years for the Hot 100, and I strongly disagree with that. Yes, it may be my love for the club boom - but I should probably clarify something first, I was far too young to remember any of 2009 so I think any “nostalgia” I felt when listening to the songs on this year-end were all from this thing called “false memories”, where I read so many comments of people expressing their nostalgia for the club boom that I somewhat internalized them as my memories too, if that makes any sense. This was something I was genuinely unaware of when I made my 2011 and 2010 lists and if you read through those lists, there may be some misinformation I included about my life that isn’t necessarily true. I sincerely apologize for this and I hope you still respect me enough to continue reading my lists.

 So with that, let’s get this list started off, there were 22 songs on the Hot 100 year-end list for 2009 that I found mediocre or worse, including repeats from 2008 - and as a reminder of the rule, the songs had to debut on the year-end Hot 100 list for 2008 in order to qualify, so no, “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz is not topping this list again. So let’s get this shitshow started as always with our dishonorable mentions!

DM #1: Billy Currington - People Are Crazy (YE: #93, PEAK: #27)

I think it’s telling that the first exposure I had to this song was from my friend and it was solely to mock it. And yeah, that chorus line is laughable at best “God is great/Beer is good/And people are crazy” delivered with this soft ass production is just hilarious haha, these lyrics feel like they’re ripped straight out of a bro-country song from 2014, but really, this is just mediocre at best, only saved from being bad because it’s kinda funny.

DM #2: Nickelback - If Today Was Your Last Day (YE: #70, PEAK: #19)

Far from the worst that Nickelback could be, for sure, but it’s definitely mediocre as hell courtesy of Chad Kroeger’s ugly ass voice and the generic production. Look, at this point, Nickelback is so generic that my reviews of all their songs have become generic. I'm really tired of ranting about the same awful aspects about Nickelback at this point, let’s just leave them as an embarrassing relic of the 2000s and just move on.

DM #3: Michael Franti & Spearhead - Say Hey (I Love You) (YE: #97, PEAK: #18)

You know, the first time I heard this song, my dad introduced it as “this was how rap music was back then”, I dunno what timeline he came from, but it sounds like a miserable one, because if rap music was actually like this “back then”, which I presume is maybe the 90s, I would hate music at large, thankfully, we live in this timeline, where rap music “back then” was “Gangsta’s Paradise” by Coolio, because this shit is really uninteresting and yet too upbeat to even call boring, it’s a really weird case. I’ll give it this though, Michael Franti has some decent personality here and he’s at least trying to elevate this lifeless beat, which just consists of a piano and some tribal(?) percussion which gets stale in record time. More like “Say Hey (I Hate You)” amirite? Haha. But for real this is just not worth caring about and happened to just land in the dishonorable mentions because my pickings for this list were kinda slim, mediocre song, bye.

DM #4: All American Rejects - Gives You Hell (YE: #10, PEAK: #4)

Well, this song sure does give me hell, I admittedly liked this the first time I heard it a few years ago but it only got more and more grating the more that AC radio decided to keep playing this even several years later. This just fails because it’s an ugly, ugly song and everything about it comes off as extremely petulant and unlikeable, the production is basically if “Tonight Tonight” by Hot Chelle Rae from 2011 somehow sounded cheaper and without any fun and it makes frontman Tyson Ritter’s vocals sound whiny and even as is in these guys’ good hits it was kinda whiny. But it all gets worse when going to the content, which is about someone, presumably an ex, the narrator hates and makes the narrator’s life hell and hoping that said person when looking at him is given the finger each time. But honestly, with lyrics as weak as these - “And truth be told, I miss you/And truth be told, I'm lyin'” - maybe there’s a reason this person makes your life hell, but that’s before we get to that annoying ass chanting on the breakdown. And yet, as opposed to “Move Along” or like any of their other hits, this was the All-American Rejects song we kept around and made their biggest hit. Really? Was it all worth it? Because if you think it was, then, well...when you hear this song, I hope it gives you hell.

DM #5: The Fray - You Found Me (YE: #13, PEAK: #7)

So, you guys made this a huge hit in 2009 and yet only allowed “Never Say Never” to barely scrape onto the very bottom of the year-end list? Seriously? I’m seriously not sure why frontman Isaac Slade went to the Scott Stapp school of enunciation for this song, but he sounds AWFUL here. And other than that, there’s the vapid production which doesn’t do anything to stimulate the listener and puts every bit of focus on that garbage vocal delivery, it may not be the most vapid song I heard while listening through every year-end list for the 2000s, but it is still pretty fucking vapid, like criminally so honestly.

DM #6: 3OH!3 - DONTTRUSTME (YE: #30, PEAK: #7)

I mean, it’s not 3OH!3’s worst given “My First Kiss” with Kesha exists, but this is still quite bad, there are pretty embarrassingly stupid lyrics like “You tell your boyfriend, if he says he’s got beef/That I’m a vegetarian and I ain’t fucking scared of him”, I’m a vegetarian and this line made me wanna eat beef, and then there’s “Do the Helen Keller and talk with your hips”...really? It’s a shame because I don’t think the production here is terrible, it reminds me of (and I mean this in the nicest way possible)  something that would play in Geometry Dash haha. But unfortunately it fails to mask how painfully weak these guys’ falsettos are. There’s a reason why these guys are no longer a thing in the mainstream, NEXT!

DM #7: Fabolous f/The-Dream - Throw It In The Bag (YE: #71, PEAK: #14)

This just sounds awful, from the production which is built entirely off of skin crawling high tones and then there’s the atrocious use of autotune on The-Dream’s chorus and Fabolous also sounds like he’d rather be anywhere else. So ultimately, sure, I’ll throw this in the bag, the trash bag.

DM EX: Jason Mraz - I’m Yours (YE: #7, PEAK: #6)

Yeah, I’m not gonna apologize or backtrack for this when I say that this is an atrocity that ruined the radio and that it’s one of the worst songs of the decade. I mean, place your bets now on where this will land on my worst of the 2000s list, #5? #7? #3? #1? Because this is undoubtedly gonna make that list, and I’m suspecting pretty fucking high as well! Fuck this trash, and yes, this song would definitely top this list if it wasn’t a repeat. I HATE this beyond what words can comprehend.

Now for the list proper...

10...This guy is a bit of an interesting case when you look at his hits, he has 4 to date and they were all weirdly spaced out, you got the bops “Down On Me” in 2011 “Don’t Tell ‘Em” in 2014, the slog “oui” in 2016, and before it all this bad song in 2009!....

10. Jeremih - Birthday Sex (YE: #37, PEAK: #4)

If you’re gonna title your song “Birthday Sex” and make it as unsexy as this, you’re really misunderstanding the assignment. The production here is too slow and lifeless to be sexy and then we get Jeremih himself who for some reason sounds like Chris Brown at his worst, especially on those “I-I-I”’s. He additionally sounds like he’d rather be anywhere else, again contributing to the unsexiness of this song! If this is the birthday sex I can expect, I’d be better off with a birthday cake instead...just not Rihanna and Chris Brown’s please.

9...Fuck Jason Aldean…

9. Jason Aldean - Big Green Tractor (YE: #75, PEAK: #54)

I’m so confused as to what this song is about and why, is he trying to compare his dick to a...tractor? And if so, why is it green? You may wanna get that checked out if that’s the case. But if this is literally just about taking a girl on a tractor ride...why? What’s significant about it? It sure definitely doesn’t sound like it’s supposed to be a date, because Aldean is singing with the lovestruckness of a wet dish towel, he may be the worst country singer in the mainstream - unless you count Uncle Kracker for some reason, but I barely count him as a “singer” so I don’t - and his performance here does nothing to change my mind on that. That’s not to mention the utter slog of this production. It’s like “Smile” by Uncle Kracker if you made it somehow MORE uninteresting! It’s not the worst song Aldean has ever made by any means given that “Burnin’ It Down” and “Got What I Got” both exist, but this is still pretty damn bad, I think this big green tractor is better off getting totaled.

8...And yet Jason Aldean wasn’t even the worst singer this year named Jason!...

8. Jason Derulo - Watcha Say (YE: #34, PEAK: #1)

Let’s get the obvious out of the way, the Imogen Heap sample here sounds awful, why did you chipmunk the hell out of it!? I wouldn’t normally have an issue with chipmunked samples but here, when combined with the dated as hell production, a song I previously found overrated becomes annoying in record time. There’s also the fact that Jason Derulo isn’t the greatest singer, the autotune here amplifies the nasal tone in his voice making him sound extremely whiny. With all that, I honestly don’t even need to turn to the lyrics, but they’re about Derulo being caught cheating and trying to justify his cheating and begging this girl to stay with him - “I know I should have treated you better/But me and you were meant to last forever”, sure Derulo, THAT’LL surely win her back! I mean in “It Wasn’t Me” by Shaggy and RikRok the excuses were intentionally bad and the song wound up hilarious as a result. It’s a shame because I hear some small pieces in this song that I think could work, Derulo’s vocal delivery on the pre-chorus isn’t terrible for instance, but god, unfortunately, everything else drags this down to be bad. What do I say? This is a bad song.

7...Well at least it’s not “I Wanna Fuck You”?...

7. Akon - Right Now (Na Na) (YE: #56, PEAK: #8)

I’ll admit that I’m kinda surprised this song is so high on this list, because I can actually name some positive aspects about this song immediately, the “na-na-na-na”’s make this quite an earworm and even the production isn’t too shabby either, dated yes but the synths don’t sound terrible, but what drags this down is Akon himself, he still sounds like if Jason Derulo tried singing after getting kicked in the balls, there isn’t any bass in his voice and this production doesn’t flatter his voice at all. And honestly, if Jason Derulo sung this song instead, it probably would’ve turned out good! It’s so frustrating that something that could’ve been good turns out terrible instead.

6...We’ve really gotten to the point where Beyonce ripped off her own protege, huh...

6. Beyonce - If I Were A Boy (YE: #48, PEAK: #3)

I say that Beyonce ripped off her own protege because this feels like it’s trying to be “Like A Boy” by Ciara except completely missing why that song worked and this doesn’t: Ciara was clearly being tongue-in-cheek in her song, but in “If I Were A Boy”, with the adult contemporary-esque ballad production and Beyonce’s earnest singing throughout it all makes me feel like she’s thoroughly convinced that boys are able to get away with mistreating the ones they love, and if she’s being ironic in this song, I’ll never be able to tell. It’s a terrible song but it’s still not Bey’s worst hit this year, god...

5...Well, I’ll admit that this supergroup’s 2010 hit “BedRock” is kinda decent to me, but I cannot defend this...

5. Young Money - Every Girl (YE: #67, PEAK: #10)

This just fails on the lyrics, you really wish you could fuck every girl in the world Lil Wayne, huh. Really? I get that this is supposed to be hyperbole, but it just comes off as excessively horny and icky. Even a horny teenager spending all his time on p**nhub.com wouldn’t say this shit, I swear. But then we got the production...which is painfully dated with synths that sound awful. And let me end with this: “In about three years, holla at me, Miley Cyrus”, Miley was 15 or 16 when this was recorded and released...yikes bro. And this was a top 10 hit!? What were y’all thinking in 2009!?

4...It’s-a-me- I’m sorry, that was a horrible joke...

4. Mario f/Gucci Mane & Sean Garrett - Break Up (YE: #65, PEAK: #14)

This shit just sounds musically broken. The synths and the pounding percussion makes this sound like carnival music but that clashes awfully with both the vocal delivery and content. That delivery of “why would you wanna break up” literally sounds like he’s gonna kill the girl, and none of the men here are even matching the atmosphere here, maybe it’d be better if they committed to the atmosphere of killing this girl if she breaks up with him, I don’t know, at least it’d be a coherent tone! Basically, this is a tonally incoherent mess that has rightfully been forgotten.

3...In a pure coincidence this next song was produced by the same guy who produced the previous song - Bangladesh, and let me ask him, what is your obsession with making musically broken songs?...

3. Beyonce - Diva (YE: #82, PEAK: #19)

I feel like I’ve said “musically broken” so many times in this article already but that’s all I can think of to describe this song. This may not be tonally incoherent like “Break Up”, but this is still a headache thanks to the atrocious production, it’s built off of a chipmunk sample  that repeats “I’m a-a diva” ad nauseum. And then Beyonce herself? Well I’ll give her this, she’s certainly trying, but she unfortunately falls very short of trying to convince us that “diva” is the female version of a hustler. Terrible song, this is very underwhelming for Beyonce. I think I’ll end the review here so I don’t have to listen to this migraine of a song any longer.

 

2...This song was ahead of its time in sucking...

2. Soulja Boy - Turn My Swag On (YE: #79, PEAK: #19)

Oh god, speaking as someone who genuinely thinks “Crank That” is a great song that very narrowly missed my 2007 best list, I cannot stand up for this trash, and when I said this was ahead of its time in sucking, I meant that this genuinely sounds like any awful vine rap song from the mid-2010s - with that grating production with the underpowered, dated synths - and Soulja Boy can barely stay on key if even at all. You know what this reminds me of actually? “Really Really” by Kevin Gates, which topped my worst list for 2016 and is still pretty fucking atrocious even if I’m not sure it’d top the list now, both songs have rappers give atrocious performances on the hook through what I think is autotune and neither rapper is having any fun while doing it. And one last thing to end off on - “I got a question, why they hatin' on me?” Maybe it’s because your song is complete shit, just saying.

1..Most of the time, the song I choose for the worst hit song of the year is just the song that sounds the worst or has the least good, not every song that tops a worst list of mine is a “Have You Forgotten?” by Darryl Worley and is manipulative pro-war propaganda or like “I’m Yours” by Jason Mraz which hasstuck around for far too long and completely ruined the radio, and that’s how I feel about this song - it’s just the most incompetent one here, not really offensive or anything...

1. Asher Roth - I Love College (YE: #73, PEAK: #12)

Let me get this out of the way: Asher Roth’s vocals here sound like they were supposed to be on a prototype version of “Sunday Best” by Surfaces, okay, maybe that’s not entirely fair, I’ll concede that Roth’s vocals are maybe ever so slightly more likeable than Surfaces’ on “Sunday Best” and then there’s the lyrics...which is about how Roth loves college, but the signifiers of college to him are all partying and no classes - I’m not even in college yet (I don’t start until this fall) but I already know at least enough to know that real college is nothing like this. The production is just a very nothing-sounding guitar that seems to put all the focus on Roth’s shitty vocals. It just comes off like a fantasy without being likeable, I mean, for as far off from reality as “High School Musical” was, at least it’s likeable! “Do I really have to graduate/Or can I just stay here the rest of my life?”, honestly with how few times you bring up your classes and homework I think you’ll very well be spending the rest of your life there anyway. With that, “I Love College” by Asher Roth is easily the worst hit song of 2009. Maybe Asher Roth is a very studious guy in real life, who knows, we’ll likely never know.

Well anyway, the Spotify playlist will be below the article as always and the best list for this year will be in the works, but until then, you’ve been reading Fire’s Flaming Hot Takes, and I’ll see you!

Spotify Playlist